Most of me knew it was the right way. My fingertips buzzed like witchy magic. The vibration of my heartbeat thumped through both eardrums. There were little squirts of sweat drawing half moon armpit stains in my black button down.
Body signals all gearing up to make a big move. All systems revving.
What will they think?
There surely will be consequences. I've never done this before. Won't I be a fool? I'll just let other people do it. They're better suited.
I shook my head to let those thoughts vaporize themselves. They don't own my mind. They rent space for a little bit until I take my attention somewhere else or reframe.
Come back to the body.
Elbows twitching something bendy like. All ten toes getting their full webby spread in my green vivos. My hips are moving on their own in a hypnotic mini circle against the plastic seat. My breath gets a little choppy in the top ribs.
Ehhh, but wait!
What if there's an accident? Or what if failure happens?
Back to the body.
My breath is now more in the belly, it's softer like cookie dough there. The pit sweat feels a bit chilly even though I'm layered in down. Pelvic circling is going strong - transferred up all the spinal bones into my shoulders and neck at this point.
Can't stop it now. Momentum of inner energy is going strong. The questions are taking a back seat.
I get up and start to plant one foot down. The stride is unusual though. Each a bit longer than the last. As if I'm in the midst of a dream journey. The kind where long corridors and Bowie Labyrinth staircases make semi sense.
Then a bit wider and irregular as the floor underneath sways a bit from left to right.
I have a flashback to summer ferry rides, shifting and swaying. Ready to move as the under layer does. Relinquishing the need for control to the bigger forces - gravity, inertia.
Back to the moment - I was full on journeying within a small space. Fluorescent light making a soft shadow on rubber flooring. The dark tunnels outside, home to creatures that move for food. There are no nose blowing honkers, no self mumbling sleepwalkers, no toddler wailing.
Just me, the body, space and time.
My walk becomes silly, some twists feel good, and I grab for the yellow vertical hand pole to swing like most the children want to but get scolded for it. A couple more rounds of this harmless exploration - but quick, hurry - the time is almost up.
Sounds of metal on metal clanking underneath. A bit of sparks fly outside the dark window.
I feel free for moments, satisfied in the choice to move even when the thoughts were attempting to cloud it all. I was able to discern that making this choice had more positive potential than negative - feeling the fear and doing it anyways.
I finally plopped back down in my orange bucket seat to slide into Canal St.
Looking around, no one was there, yet the ghosts of people's thoughts and cares were still lingering in my mind - albeit much much smaller now.
Dancing and moving in an empty subway car was the right way to spend 2 minutes of my life that day.
I felt alive with a sense of agency. It is I who can choose to move my body and manage my thoughts.
And it is you who can do the same. You have the agency to make choices for your body and your brain.
You don't have to dance in an empty train car to enact that sense of agency. There are tons of ways to do it.
Speak your voice -- tell someone no/yes/maybe -- even if there's a fear of how they'll react.
Move your body -- do some hip circles in your desk chair -- even if your deskmate says "what are you DOING??" (i recommend a good 'ol flipping of the bird here with "i'm mobilizing my lumbosacral joints, thank you very much.")
Do it the right way for you.